As a funeral director, I’ve learned that one of the most tender, confronting moments of bereavement often happens long after the funeral and final farewells. It’s the moment I arrive at your door, carrying the ashes of your loved one.
I’ve witnessed many families struggle with the unexpected intensity of this moment. There is something uniquely confronting about this encounter and it often takes people by surprise. After all the care and attention poured into the ceremony, after the final song, the eulogies, and the tales shared at the wake - there is still this quiet, tender moment. To receive the ashes of your person is to face, again, the finality of their physical absence. It can stop you in your tracks.
There is no guidebook for this moment, and whilst I can't make it better for you - I’ve realised there are three ways to help you feel more prepared:
1. Easing the Unknown: Ask What You Need to Know
Many people simply don’t know what to expect when it comes to receiving cremated remains. I’m often asked really specific questions like: What does the box look like? What is it made of? Is it heavy? Will it come in a bag? What do the ashes actually look like?
If you’ve been wondering these things, please know - you’re not alone, and it’s more than okay to ask. In fact, I encourage it. Having as much (or as little) information as you need ahead of time can help remove some of the mystery and reduce the emotional shock of that moment. Sometimes, just knowing what to expect helps soften the edge of the unknown. You're not being grim or difficult - you’re simply preparing to meet a significant moment with as much steadiness as possible.
I’ve collated a list of the common questions about Cremation & Ashes, you can view it here if that feels supportive.
2. Prepare a Place: Know Where the Ashes Will Rest
One of the simplest but most effective ways to support this moment is to know where, physically, you will put the ashes down in your home. Even if you’re not sure what you’d like to do long-term, you can create a simple, temporary resting place - somewhere calm and meaningful. It might be a shelf you’ve cleared, a small table by the window, or a quiet corner near photos or memory items. You might choose to lay a cloth or piece of their clothing there, light a candle, or place a few flowers, play some special music - anything that helps the space feel cared for.
Having a place ready to receive the ashes of your loved one can bring a quiet steadiness to an otherwise disorienting moment. It offers your hands something to do and your heart somewhere to land, helping to transform the moment from one of shock into a quiet continuation of your loving care.
3. Don’t Do It Alone: Let Someone Be With You
The moment I hand you the box is often a brief exchange, but it can also be a deeply disorienting moment. It’s okay to feel unsure, or vulnerable, or overwhelmed. If you can, consider having someone you trust with you for that moment. It might be a family member, a close friend, a neighbour - someone who will sit beside you, make a cup of tea, or simply offer quiet company. You don’t need to talk about it, or make it a big event. Sometimes, just not being alone can make all the difference. And if you do find yourself alone, that’s okay too. You might choose to call someone just before or after, to help support that moment for you. Receiving the ashes of a loved one can be a surreal and tender experience - something most of us will only encounter once or twice in a lifetime. Having the right support around you in that moment can make all the difference.
Let the Next Step Come in Time
One of the most common questions I hear is: What should I do with the ashes?
The truth is: you don’t need to know straight away. There is no expiry date on this decision. Some people make a plan early, while others wait months or even years. Some keep the ashes at home indefinitely. Some scatter them in a meaningful place. Some divide them between family members or incorporate them into art or jewellery. Some wait for the right moment - and when it comes, they know. In the meantime, having a “first resting place” at home is enough. Trust that clarity will come in its own time. You’re not doing it wrong if you’re still undecided.
What are some things I can do with the ashes, eventually?
There are many beautiful, creative, and meaningful ways to honour your loved one’s ashes when the time feels right. Some people choose to keep them close, others create a ritual of letting go. Some options include:
A dissolving urn that floats out to sea and slowly releases the ashes into the water (some even come in the shape of a sea turtle.)
A bio-urn that can be buried and grows into a tree or plant
Ashes placed into fireworks and released in celebration
Turned into jewellery or wearable glass pendants
Turned into Comfort Stones
Scattered in a place that held special meaning
Kept close, beside your bed or on a shelf, surrounded by memory items
Remember: there is no right or wrong way. Only the way that feels most true for you.
